I’ve spent some time in college trying to understand and counteract male aggression, mostly working against the form of sexual assault. The four years of college have really shown me what it takes to make changes, but I’ve also seen the aftermath of that aggression. I have bore witness to an event called Take Back the Night where men and women reveal their stories and other’s stories of being sexually abused in some form or fashion, usually revealing their terrible secrets for the first time ever. Obviously, sexual assault is not limited to male on female crimes, but the mammoth majority of the crimes are men assaulting women. Take Back the Night allows people to come forward in a safe environment and break the silence and shame that they have lived with ever since they became survivors of the crimes, whether the crimes were perpetrated by family members, supposed friends, or loved ones. I should add that someone personal to the victims usually commits the crimes, not the stereotypical dark stranger in the night. The true pain and gravity of the situation are often too much to handle for unsuspecting supporters at Take Back the Night and many people walk out. Usually people hold in and keep secret that they were assaulted sexually and it undermines their happiness and everyday life. The emotions pour forth like a biblical flood washing away the hard exterior that many have built over the years, revealing the tortured reality. The release is usually the beginning of healing for many, as they accept what happened to them surrounded by a seemingly impossible amount of fellow survivors. Trust me when I say that someone you know has been sexually assaulted, abused or raped and you may never know it. [If you yourself are a survivor of such a crime, you are not alone, it was not your fault (no matter what anyone ever says to you or what you may think) and I strongly encourage you to tell someone that you trust that isn’t involved, perhaps even calling a hotline if you are in crisis. I just went on an Internet search engine and typed in “resources for rape survivors” and found loads of resources.]
What does all this have to do with the shootings you ask? Basically, about all of the recent shootings have ended up with the male perpetrators killing themselves and the female victims. Two of those shooters incorporated or planned sexual crimes. Now I don’t know enough of the details to speak authoritatively on the subject, but I insinuate that these crimes are evidence of some bigger problems concerning society’s expectations and images of men. I believe that men in the world are not being taught to respect women as human beings with dreams, aspirations and full, equal clout in the world. (When I say “men” I am speaking mainly of heterosexual males, although I’m sure the gender discussion and the power dynamics of masculine and feminine greatly applies to gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender/queer, or GLBTQ, people as well).
Also, perhaps something happened to these men when they were young, that they were taught, by society to be shameful of and hide, so that the festering memory finally exploded into insanity. Perhaps they were abused or witnessed violence perpetrated by parents or loved ones. In some form or another, violence had a snowballing affect in their lives causing more violence along the way. I’m only guessing, but one can see that Roberts, the man of the Amish shootings, confessed to a history of sexual violence that plagued him. One can only suppose that when he committed the first crime “abusing a young female family member” that he had not been taught to respect women. Perhaps he witnessed an older family member, friend or parent perpetrating violence. All I’m insinuating is that this behavior and insanity could not have come from oblivion.
I will admit that to reach point of shooting people could be the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain or some other mental disorder. However, what made these men see these shootings as the answer to their troubles? To this question, I answer, learned male dominance and violence as the ultimate answer. This is a male paradigm, that given no other option, that we must turn to violence to get our way, when we find ourselves, as men, in a figurative or literal emotional corner, with no perceived escape. By emotional corner, I’m suggesting that people that perpetrate these types of violent crimes could find themselves in an existential dead end and feel that they can no longer properly deal with their emotions. Whatever the reasoning, these men turned to violence. Of course one could argue that fighting your way out of a corner is animal instinct, but these recent crimes were not acts of self defense, they were violent assertions of male dominance in order to cope with a troubled life.
Our society failed these men and their female victims. Where we should be educating men and women to lead balanced emotional lives, we are allowing society to educate otherwise. Men should be taught to deal with emotions in healthier ways and see the opposite sex as equal entities deserving equal, if not more respect and dignity.
Considering the overall sexist nature off the three incidents, I propose that each one reflects some of the problems with the sexist nature of society. Just as in racism or classism or any hostile “ism”, the dominant group justifies and glorifies their self-perceived superiority by debasing the perceived subordinate group. I see strains of such sexism running through my own being as learned behaviors and thought paradigms. You may not notice such sexist paradigms in yourselves, as they are all but invisible, accepted facts of life. In other words, sometimes I have to catch myself in my thoughts and actions regarding women and sexuality. I’m not suggesting that we live in an asexual world and disregard gender norms of modern western society as a whole. However, some of our language, thoughts and actions both reflect and strengthen society’s subsidiary definition of women. Women and the feminine are generally viewed as frail, juvenile (in a man’s masculine world) and only capable of filling the role predetermined by (male-dominated) society. In a younger man’s world, women mostly fulfill the role of object of desire and their ability to obtain these objects proves the man’s success as a man. One could also say that the younger man is yearning emotionally to replace his mother with a girlfriend as the emotional caregiver.
Before I go any further, I should say that as a man, I believe it would be a mistake to leave women out of this discussion and having it be only a male discussion. Becoming comfortable with the dialogue between men and women is an important first step in addressing these perceived imbalances in the world. At my school, I helped to establish a group named Sons and Brothers, dedicated to addressing these questions and actively campaigning against sexual assault. Since then, I have learned also, that however proud you are to be on the moral high ground, it’s important to not see yourself as the protector of women. Such a way of thinking will only serve to strengthen male dominance and put men in yet another position of power. And to such a future, where men justly rule over women, or rather the masculine justly and fairly reigns in dominance, I cannot attest. Power can always be corrupted as we see in almost every government or powerful entity on earth. There will always be those that prove the exception and abuse power, this is why our government was founded with checks and balances. (Some might say that the checks and balances aren’t quite working, but that’s another discussion). Sometimes feeling like the protector or hero was a fault of mine that was fed by the sexist way in which men and women are seen as fundamentally different and incapable of occupying the same spheres. Accepted norms of society are sometimes very hard to overcome, even for someone trying to do the right thing, like trying to break a bad habit. Moving on, men raping and killing is obviously a male problem, but only a mutual solution is the best. The best would be a mutual solution and discussion of mutual respect and trust where men and women have a true understanding of one another’s place and condition in the world. Only from that point can masculinity and femininity find equity in human power over the world. I will speak on the solution a bit later.
Concerning the root of the problems, I suspect that if men matured seeing their fathers (if their father is present) or male role models as emotionally healthy, balanced and mature people, then they would grow up to emulate those role models. Instead our society teaches men to be tough guys with animal mentalities, leaving them emotionally unbalanced and bankrupt, relying heavily on women to fulfill the tilting emotional scale. Thus women are often seen as overly emotional and weak. At the family level, I routinely see women portrayed in the horribly shortsighted sphere of housewife and “soccer mom.” However this is the stereotypical, Western middle class, dominant definition and also depends on the country and culture under discussion. Overall women are expected to solely care for the children and home while men are expected to work professionally and “bring home the bacon.” In the western world, the accepted, “civilized” notion of fatherhood is to teach the young men how to be a man and vice versa for mothers of daughters. Most of what you know about living your life and reacting to problems, you learn from your parents. This is a product of the way your brain develops necessary for survival. Many might claim they are nothing like their parents, but I venture that there are some core aspects of your personality that reflect your parents or guardians. Therefore, most men are missing a softer, more sensual side to their personality, which they either rejected early in life or never developed because of a disapproving father figure.
Perhaps some of you men bristled at that last statement, with thoughts like, “what is he gay?” “Is he saying we should all be gay?” With that I besiege you to see that homophobia is a direct result of our emotional imbalances. Our fear of contact with men, for fear of appearing feminine and weak, keeps us from expressing affection towards each other or identifying with anything in the stereotypical sphere of women. I’m not speaking of sexual attraction or sexual acts, I’m merely speaking of men showing genuine affection towards each other without fear of being ridiculed or ostracized. Our collective aversion to our own “feminine” halves merely serves to feed our need to dominate that half and appear manly and tough. I also, believe that one of the most violent forms of dominance is that of homophobic men (or women for that matter) taking out their insecurities and imbalances on GLBTQ people. You only have to read the newspapers to know what I’m speaking about. We often see stories of men killing and/or raping their wives, girlfriends, or friends. Even though most of the crimes will never be reported or seen in the news. But often you see and hear of the horrible hate crimes against GLBTQ people because, fear mixed with upbringing and imbalance manifested the Western ultimate male answer, which is violence.
The pattern of denying our femininity follows our (men’s…when I say “our” I’m speaking on behalf of westernized men. However, one could easily see the same manifestations in Middle Eastern and Asian cultures) every move through the good times and the bad. When we find ourselves emotionally unstable in troubled times, we are more likely to reject the feminine emotionality from our female significant others. This manifests violence. Growing up with this mentality often will make it ok to “take what you deserve” from the weaker less worthy sex or gender. In other words, many men grow to think that rape, sexual abuse, and sexual harassment are ok. More often than not, the “milder form” of sexual harassment is what one will see (and I say milder with the utmost cautions as it is often just as traumatic and harmful to society as rape, because it all supports the culture of male dominance.). I should clarify the difference between all the various ways a person can sexually assault another person. First, there is the overall term of sexual assault, which covers everything considered to be uninvited sexual contact, including touching or penetration with the hand, mouth or genitals. Here it is obvious, which sex is more equipped to commit these crimes. Then you have sexual battery, which is more or less when sexual assault, happens without premeditation, such as “in the heat of the moment” or both parties were intoxicated etc. The most violent crime is obviously premeditated rape where there is an obvious, malicious intent to sexually penetrate the other person without their consent.
Enough of the details, but now you know, so there is no confusion. The above paragraph is basically suggesting that the way we speak about women and the feminine side in general, and the way we visualize ourselves as the dominant, tough guy versus the dainty feminine side, whether that be women or gay men, is leading to the use of violence to assert that dominance. Every time we touch a women or verbally sexually harass a women to show that we have power to do so, we make it that much more ok to rape, kill, maim, or verbally batter a woman, both in our minds and other’s minds. We are creating the space for such violence to exist as a phenomenon of male thought and action. The same goes for any type of assertion of dominance, whether that is racism, classism, religion discrimination, sexism, sexual orientation-ism, etc. Any time you crack a joke or say or do something in the slightest discriminatory, those that do harbor violent hatred are that much more encouraged to act upon their hatred. We should also address such hatred with open dialogue and counseling to find the route of the fear. Also, we should support those that are fearful and emotionally traumatized or imbalanced. Waiting for those problems to rise to the surface in a crime and then putting those offenders in ineffective correctional facilities will not solve society’s problems. This system only covers the wound to let it fester in prison. If one is paroled they are release the hardened criminal on good behavior without the proper tools to deal with their own problems.
We must proactively recognize the fault in ourselves before we can address the faults in others. Men must open up with their feelings and lend a thousand times more respect to women and the thousands of years of societal and cultural oppression of women. There have been many cultures where women where considered to be equally, if not more, important and wise members of the community. Some American Indian tribes had women leaders; many “pagan” cultures apparently worshiped and revered womanhood, or the goddess, as the cradle of life, and rightly so.
No matter your religion, I believe one can reinterpret the holy texts to elevate and recognize the place of women in the world. Given the religious nature of much of the worlds conflicts, once can see the influence of religion in world politics and events. Even in our post-modern, Post-Judeo-Christian western world, where many claim to not be religious, we still have many laws based on very religious morals. So, whether you believe it or not, if you consider yourself a moral person, then you are following the Judeo-Christian ethics of the past, when religion was much more prevalent in our societies. Therefore, without a doubt, if there were reforms in the major religious institutions of the world, much of the “civilized” world would follow suite. One could argue that the world could reform much in this manner. For example, we could reform the major religious views of the natural environment to heal the relationship of the earth and mankind.
Concerning religion, I’m suggesting that just because we have lived and worshiped and lived a certain way for thousand of years doesn’t make it right. I think the phrase “we are only human” is very appropriate in this context. Humans make mistakes and to admit that we are human and that we must strive to better ourselves is only right. Self-contemplation and betterment is part of most, if not all, religious doctrines. Are there not clauses in the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, or the writings of Buddha or the collective religions of Hinduism that could be reinterpreted? Are we so close-minded and stuck in our ways that new paradigms of thought are beyond our imaginations? Even if you reject the scientific theory of evolution, you must admit that evolution of a faith is real, especially evolution of a faith over time. Just as our souls and minds grow and mature, so does our faith, if we are religious, and therefore so does a faith as a whole. If you believe you’re worshiping and living the same way that the earliest followers of your religion worship, you would be mistaken. I apologize for not having anything concrete to cite at this point, but I am quite certain.
Over the centuries, men have been indoctrinated and ingrained, again and again, with the idea that violence is the last resort and final solution. Also, that women are inferior and weaker and therefore, often don’t deserve respect or the right to be powerful in society. Perhaps our militarized societies and constant wars are evidence enough of this. Perhaps the need to dominate women both sexually, emotionally and spiritually illustrates our programming to see women as lower beings deserving less in life. As men bury their fears and emotions and reject emotional behavior, their own emotions can explode in a preconditioned frame of violence. Most people strike out in violence as a last resort, but others routinely use it as a tool of power. I’d like to remind everyone at this point that coercion into sex, sexual harassment, and sexual assault and rape are all forms of violence. Those using violence as a routine would consider anyone not utilizing the tool of power to be foolish and doomed to be subordinated. Wisdom has no home in this frame of thought.
Our world is a confusing and chaotic world, so full of violence and suffering. I really fear that the “civilized world”, which is basically all places occupied by humans, will get much worse before it gets better. I suppose this includes everything from the rape of the natural world, to the rape of women and the feminine. “Mankind” will suffer this fate especially if we throw ourselves into to the wind of certainty where nothing is more and less certain than “the way it’s always been.” I’m speaking to men when I say please don’t use the sphere of maleness and Western definition of a “real man” as a crutch in life. There is much ease in joining the male club, absent of women and femininity, to reassert one’s manliness and prowess as a man. In today’s world, that is a sure thing. I speak to women and the feminine, when I say, please don’t accept men’s and masculinity’s role as the dominant way. There are many changes that will be slow and hard, but I really believe such changes are for the better.
One very important thing is that I am not saying that to be a man is bad, nor is it bad to be manly or masculine. We are all different people and can only be truly comfortable in our own shoes by being true to ourselves. I’m only suggesting that we try to redefine what is to be a man from the norm of a dominant, powerful, and generally sexist to a well-rounded, reasonable, decent human being that lives in harmony with women. It’s a lot to ask and seems close to impossible and overly ideal, but these changes are not impossible. I wouldn’t say these things if I thought the changes were impossible.
Finally, what good can truly come of living unbalanced, fearful lives, surrounded by violence and suffering only to benefit a few? Western society’s masculine and feminine definitions should meet each other halfway, perhaps with more emphasis on the masculine side’s change, in redefining themselves for a more balanced life style. In such a life style women should be both revered as the cradle of life and respected as equals capable of ruling and having power in the world. Only then, will the testosterone-fueled wars of the world, where men beget violent acts that beget violent acts, be quieted and calmed into peace. Such an accomplishment will require a hundred (billions) more personal, inner (non-violent) revolutions, than outward ones.
And in the end, hopefully you can see why I believe these recent school tragedies are not the product of a lack of security at these schools. However, they are a product of an imbalanced, maladjusted, male dominated society with a common denominator of violence. In the face of this, I ask you all to examine your own education and actions and make a change. In the very least let’s all begin the discussion. In the name of peace and love, I wish you the best.
-the1000thpoet
PS I’m aware that I’ve made a lot of generalized statements without any peer-reviewed citations. If you don’t believe or agree with me, I encourage you to do you own research… at least with some recognized rape and sexual assault sites to see how big a problem rape is…Thank you for reading.
http://www.rainn.org/statistics/index.html
http://www2.ucsc.edu/rape-prevention/statistics.html
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